BLUE LAND VS RED LAND

 

BLUE LAND VS RED LAND

 

LT COL NOEL ELLIS

14/VI/2024

 

Reasi terrorist attack has been in the news recently. Since then, there have been a series of attacks by these dastards. Surprisingly, not in the Kashmir valley but south of the Pir Panjal range.

Is it a new ploy by the terrorists? Have their support bases shifted to Jammu region and Punjab? Or, is it a precursor to something big that they are planning? Your guess is as good as mine.

Though, I stay away from the Idiot box generally, but due to the cricket world cup, I do tune in. There was a break in the match and I flicked channels, just to catch up with some news. My favourite channels are WION and DD English. The problem was a channel in between these two.

Two forces had already broken the “Cease Fire’. Prithvi Missiles had already been launched; Shaheen was launched to counter it. Some Agni missiles were sent off to be countered by Ghauri and Ghaznavi.

It was like the battle of Kurukshetra of Mahabharat serial in progress. Showers of flaming arrows from this side countered by blazing arrows from the other. The balloon along with its gas cylinder had gone up.

Chief came grumbling to his office, when the ‘news hour’ was half way through. He was sitting with folded hands infront of his TV watching a bi-spectacled, venom spitting, hissing, coiled up anchor swaying his hood at his opponents, diverting everyone’s attention from the main topic by interjecting, raising his croaky voice, heckling, mocking, taunting, and scoffing at the ‘enemy forces’.

The Chief requested this news reader in ‘Rashtrabhasha’, O bhai, pandra (15) din ruk ja, mera tenure poora hone wala hai, fir jo chahe vo kar lena, mujhe shanti se pension jane de, nahi to ek aur extension de degi ye sarkar. Meri ma-behan mat kar, biwi alag gussa hogi, ghar ja ke daal main tarka bhi lagana hai. His ADC giggled.

The ‘Chief designate’ on the other hand called his staff officers to understand who had declared this undeclared war without the ‘Military Operations’ or the ‘Military Intelligence’ Directorates getting a whiff. Some G2 apprised him. “Sir it is the element of surprise, like the terrorists had just done in Reasi & Doda, where we didn’t have a clue of what target and when will they strike.

VC gave such a dirty look like a third termer in NDA gives to a second termer.

‘Who are the targets of this news anchor’, asked the Chief agitated? Sir, the Red Land Forces led by some ‘Jung’ loving retired Maj Jungjua. They have two lady fighters too, one of them is probably their recently promoted Brigadier, said one ‘Keen Kumar’ of a Staff Officer.

“Bull crap, that lady is from the Pak Medical Corps you idiots, update your profiles of all senior officers in your records by first light tomorrow morning”, yelled the Chief.

Sir, there is one lady who has an ‘Arzoo’ to sympathise with us. She wants the Paki establishment to hand over ‘Hafiz Saeed’ to India to stop this war immediately. The Chief and the Vice chief crooned in unison, “Who has laid down this condition”? Who else but that man in the black coat on the screen who wants his head for peace to prevail. “Militants uska baap marega”, shouted the Chief.

“Pata karo yaar, is anchor ki forces main kaun kaun hain”? The staff officers went into a huddle to check, recheck, and confirm the ORBAT (Order of Battle) of the Blue Land Forces.

Sir, there is an old man with a huge moustache, a decorated soldier, though retired, is leading from the front. His name rhymes with a ‘General Duty’ “Pakshi”. Sir, his verbal volley of English is beyond the understanding of the Nark Forces. They have been requesting him, ‘Asaan Bhasha main batao’, to take evasive or retaliatory action.

He also has a giggly staff officer of a Major Rank. The way this Major is tearing apart the Red Land forces, is amazing. Dho dala sir usne pakistaniyon ko, ‘panch sau ek’ (501) sarkari issue sabun ki batti se.

Suddenly the CDS appeared on the scene. He was clueless, that a ‘one hour war’ was already over while he was trying to bring some synergy between the Airforce and the Navy of which he had no clue himself, besides handling a few Agniveers who refused to leave the Army as war was imminent. CDS was heard saying, “meri Naukri kahin ye anchor na le le”.

Time ran out, ‘shabdon ke baan’ ran out and it was time for a “Thoolo Rakshi” as retreat had been sounded.

The first lady sat with a long face as she had missed the movie in the Army open air theatre because Chief had left suddenly. “Tum to office main hi rahna retirement ke baad bhi”, she screamed. Poor Chief had no choice, as ‘joote dono taraf se khane pare’.

War is no news anchors business but when will ‘Blue Land’ sort out ‘Red land’ once for all? I wonder!!!!!!

 

JAI HIND

© ® NOEL ELLIS

Disclaimer- This piece is written in pure jest and good humour. Any familiarity to any person or appointment serving or retired is purely coincidental with no malice to any one.