HAIN!!!!!!!

HAIN!!!!!!! 

LT COL NOEL ELLIS

25/VII/2024

 

Every year I write on the budget, because every year I look for that little increase which in technical parlance is called ‘delta’ taken from Greek. Frankly, instead of understanding the alphabet, the whole budget sounded like Greek and Latin to me.

Hope Aunty N has watched this serial called ‘Sarabhai Vs Sarabhai’, an all-time favourite of mine. There was a character called ‘Madhusudan Bhai’. Hard of hearing, deaf as deaf could be. He would understand what he wanted to. Manipulated sentences as what he conjectured them to be and not necessarily what others spoke. He lived in his own world. In the end, when he could not hear or pretended that he didn’t hear and said “Hain” in the 'croakiest' voice on earth.

I think Nirmala Ben has copied Madhusudan Bhai. Heard intently to all conversations and grapevine talk. Implied what she decided to understand. Manipulated the budget which she thought was the best, acted stone deaf to the opposition's demands and conveyed to the public something which at least I had no option but to say ‘Hain’.

When I had joined fauj, my amdani was atthanni and kharcha was dui rupiya. Since I became a pensioner, OROP is still a dream and kharcha has become char rupiya.

The common man sees a fruit on a cart, picks it up, smells it passionately, and leaves it on the cart. ‘Quality theek nahi hai’, he says. Actually, he can’t afford it.

I have created my own national dress. No, it is not Dhoti-Kurta, or pant-shirt or jeans-T shirts, nor suit and tie. I just cannot afford them. One feels uncomfortable wearing them. There is always a fear at a dinner, ‘kahin haldi aur tel ka daag na lag jaye’ because ‘ghari detergent tikiya’ too has gone out of reach. ‘Vishawas kya karenge jab istemal hi na kar payenge’.

Therefore, I wear ‘Bermudas and a Sandow Banyan’ with twenty holes for air to pass which keeps me cool because light kab chali jayegi pata nahi.

The ‘delta’ increase in subzi and petrol prices is spelt as ‘DELTA’. It appears like they are grown on a delta right in the centre of a river full of crocodiles. You can collect them at your own risk. If you survive, well and good and if you don’t, N auntie will have one less tax payer.

These crocodiles are the fraudsters. “Your parcel had been held back, your electric bill is over due”, fake police dept calls, bogus calls from customs, high courts etc to pay ransom and people do. Hackers are on a look out to siphon out whatever is left after what N aunty puts in your bank.

I invested for a rainy day. You reduce interest rates. Mutual Fund ‘ab sahi nahi hai’ as capital gain tax has increased. Cash you cannot keep, unless you are a politician stacking notes for party funds.

Dal Bati Choorma cannot be had without ghee madam. At least leave some money to buy a little. We can’t keep a tin of ghee, show the roti to it, smell the ghee, and eat our dal. Madam, don’t tell us that ghee increases bad cholesterol. For that, most of us are under medication. Medicines too are out of reach and taxed heavily for people to get a heart attack.

To reduce my woes, I decided that I will become Atam Nirbhar but it is not covered in the Atam Nirbhar scheme which Aunty N talked about. My wife and I decided to become our own Bai, mali, dhobi etc. She has even stopped going to the beauty parlour. Thank god I quit smoking; otherwise I would have smoked Biri.

We have decided to grow our own fruit. The trees will provide us oxygen, shade, and breeze during power cuts. It will also reduce the need for an ‘oxygen concentrator’ which we had used in those terrible times.

Aunty N, the birds and butterflies, the trees and shrubs, the environment as a whole is affected by the budget of every household. The only people who are flourishing here are ‘entrepreneurs’ who sell special ‘pakoras’ called ‘Dal Ka Vada’ on highways. Every Aam admi cannot become a pakora maker.

Be that as it may. We were expecting you to remove ‘Bhakt Jano ke Sankat’, “Kissan jano ke sankat”, “Gareeb Jano ke sankat”, including for shoshit, vanchit and a few peerit jan.

Aunty N, I just bought a mobile thinking you would increase prices but you reduced them. How did you know that?

One newspaper headline read “Aunty N goes for course correction” and I say ‘Hain’. Can my friends suggest a better expression? I wonder!!!!!!

 

JAI HIND
© ® NOEL ELLIS

 

Disclaimer- This article is written with no intention to hurt any one but in good humour.