PESTERING CALLS

 PESTERING CALLS

 

LT COL NOEL ELLIS

 

14/VI/2022

 

The day you feel like having an afternoon nap, there has to be a ‘unsolicited’ phone call. How these people get hold of your number is a mystery. Sir, I am Nilesh from OLX autos, do you have a car to sell? This was the ‘nth’ call after having blocked and blacklisted so many from OLX auto.

 

This time I said, yes, I want to sell my cars. His voice went into an exhilaration mode, as if “Mila ek naya murga”. Sir kaun si gari hai. I said, kaun si chahiye. I could fathom the surprise in his voice when he said, kitni gariyan hain. I said gyarah (11).

 

It hit him like a ton of bricks when I started rattling cars from Audi, Mercs, to Range Rover et al. Sir, kindly hold the line while I put you through to my supervisor. I said, don’t worry, I am all ears.

 

Sir, are your vehicles personal or commercial? I said, both. Sorry sir, we would not be able to process your request. Before I could say why, the line was cut, Since then, I haven’t received any calls.

 

As my mind started recalling how one got rid of such pestering calls. Let me quote two real life incidents.

 

There was this very sweet girl from the bank. Every day, exactly as I would be opening my tiffin for lunch, she would call. How do I get rid of her, I kept thinking? Her aim was to hook one more client for a loan.

 

One day when I was a little free, I decided to take her on. Sir… loan. I said yes. I was trying to imagine what she must be looking like, as she definitely sounded beautiful.

 

Are you working sir? I said, yes and no. She frowned, Sir, didn’t get you. I am self-employed, I said. What do you do exactly, if I may ask? I said, let’s talk about the loan. Oh, sure sir, how much, I said, twenty lakhs. She was hooked. Definitely sir. Probably she had the limit of five lakhs & roped in her superior, who had an even more sweeter and husky voice.

 

Sir, what do you do? I said, I am a taxi driver. Those days Kaali-Peeli Fiats were being replaced by new generation cars costing around four lakhs each. I said, my Fiats will be scrapped soon and I need to buy five new cars. The line went silent for a while.

 

Hello Miss, what happened?  No sir, we provide loans to salaried class only. I insisted that I need one desperately. We would not be able to sanction one and the line went silent, never to ring again.

 

After a little while, one more sales person got after my blood. She was in a lookout for Administrative professionals.

 

How can I help you, Miss? Sir, we are the best ‘Pest Control’ agency on this side of ‘Mithi River’. Kindly give us a chance. We had done an AMC with another company a week back. I said, sorry, we don’t need your services now, in case required, I shall call you.

 

Sir, give us a chance for a meeting. Somehow, I wanted to ward this lady off, as it was getting on my nerves. I said fine, brief me on your services. Sir, do you have any pests? The GM HR was listening to this conversation sitting across my table. We used to have lunch together every day.

 

I said, sweetheart, we have huge pests in our company. Which is the biggest pest sir? I said, there is one called the ‘GM HR’. She didn’t catch my pun as I winked at the GM. This girl didn’t waste a second to assure me that sir, one visit and we would eradicate this pest permanently from your premises. I covered the mike with my hand and the HR Head and I broke into uncontrollable laughter till our bellies ached and eyes went watery.

 

Sir, just give us your address, my team will reach your location tomorrow morning. I was working in ‘Prabha Devi’ then and gave some vague address of Thane.

 

Dot at 10am there was a call. Sir, we are at the address you gave us but there is nothing here. They would have gone around the area ten times and couldn’t locate it. There were no ‘google maps’ then, nor the facility to block calls.

 

Where are you, I said, she said Thane. Who told you Thane, we are at Worli? She was pissed off for sure. I again said, I don’t need your services. That lady was fuming. How dare you do this to us; you could have told us in the first instance that you don’t require our services. Madam, in the last twenty calls, didn’t our conversation end in telling you that we don’t need pest control. Thereafter, I never got a call from that number.

 

At lunch I told the GM HR that you would have been ‘eradicated’ today, had I given the correct address. We had another hearty laugh. Have you guys tried something like this? I wonder!!!!!!!!!!!

 

JAI HIND

© NOEL ELLIS